This week really was difficult. For my business, my relationship, my self. I spent a lot of time feeling helpless and crying. I couldn’t articulate anything from the journey so far, I was too deep in it. One week later I’m finally able to reflect…
It seemed exciting to begin with, Second Chakra: creativity, sexuality, flow, energy, excitement, fun, joy…
The week brings none of these and a lot of the opposite. Complete inertia. Frustration. I struggle to get anything done AND I feel SHIT about it! I notice how I avoid things. The excuses I make. The distractions I find. I realise how inefficient I can be – Starting a task then drifting off into relevant, yet time-wasting tangents, resulting in a lot of time spent, with little to show for it.
By the end of the week I’m totally lost and the idea of starting a business seems like the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever imagined! I really feel like I can’t get anything done and maybe I don’t want to?
Charisma: One of the key emotions I root cleared. Do I want to be seen? The truth is, I can love the attention, but often people see – and are influenced by me – when I don’t want to be seen. This petrifies me. Saying, doing, expressing, being the “wrong thing” – It’s a pressure I don’t want, a pressure that’s been building my whole life.
The tension building in me tumbles outside into my relationship. It seems like everything my partner does is wrong. He became a selfish arsehole (note to self: mirror theory connection to me feeling like a selfish arsehole the week before) and as much as I try, I can’t see through it.
Somehow, there are glimmers of hope through the misery:
Some flicker of peace in the knowing that all I have to ever do is be myself. Sometimes I’m a shit person and sometimes I’m an awesome person. Sometimes I change my mind, sometimes I contradict. The more I can allow myself this leisure, the more I can allow it in others, the more we can grow together. The right people will see me, appreciate me and push me.
I remind myself of patience. Knowing what I want, through the frustration of knowing what I don’t want, are all the seeds I need to create magic.
Just keep swimming.